Only Teardrops
by Ladybug-Jojo
Summary: The 4th of July Gala mentioned in 418 under and after. Can they both keep doing this political marriage or not?


_Happy 4th og July American readers... and happy summer you all... this story is inspired by 518 where Alicia and Peter mention the 4th of July gala as one of their pre-planned events she agrees to attend with him. _

_A huge thank you goes to Believe2612 for helping me with ideas and thoughts... and another huge thank you to my beta Steffili..._

_I don't own TGW _

* * *

**Only Teardrops  
**

* * *

_The sky is red tonight_  
_We're on the edge tonight_  
_No shooting star to guide us_

_Eye for an eye_  
_Why tear each other apart?_  
_Please tell me why_  
_Why do we make it so hard?_  
_Look at us now_  
_We only got ourselves to blame_  
_It's such a shame_

_How many times can we win and lose?_  
_How many times can we break the rules?_  
_Between us_  
_Only teardrops_

_How many times do we have to fight?_  
_How many times till we get it right?_  
_Between us_  
_Only teardrops_

* * *

**Alicia's Part**

* * *

I am unsure how I ended up standing here, knocking at the door to his study. If there was anyone else here they would look at me weirdly and I wouldn't be able to blame them; after all the first lady standing in front of the governor's private study's door knocking to be let in is a sight for sore eyes.

Peter come on open the door! I know you are in there!"

I shout at the door, hoping it will get him to open. I really must be looking like a complete idiot standing here. I feel relief as I hear the door being unlocked and the two double doors pulled open. And I am faced with my husband standing in front of me, looking tired and sad. He leans against the door and I raise my eyebrow.

"Are you seriously not going to let me in?"

I ask him, staring straight into his eyes. I know from the way he reacted tonight and what he said I probably don't have a right to be let into his private office. But I still expect him to let me enter. He seems to be considering it and finally sighs and steps aside. Allowing me to pass before pulling the doors shut.

As I move further in, it strikes me that I have actually never really been here before. I have stayed in the mansion a few times before for overnight events but this is his private study and that isn't a place I spent much time in actually never at all, not when we were together again and certainly not of late.

He doesn't move further and he doesn't look like he intends for us to take this into another room than here and he doesn't seem to want us to sit either. Instead we just stand there, staring at each other.

He makes a gesture, indicating for me to talk. But suddenly all words seem gone and I have no idea how to break the heavy silence that fills the room.

"You begged me to let you in... I assumed you wanted to talk? If you don't, then why are you here?"

He asks and I look down, trying to focus on the pattern of the floor. While I am searching for the words. The words that were meant to come out easily. But they don't, instead they seem to have gone lost somewhere on the car ride between the exhibition hall's gala and the mansion.

"I... why did you storm off?"

I whisper softly and I know it is silly and stupid, it sounds that way even to myself. "People noticed!" I continue, and hearing him snort I glance up.

"I don't give a damn if they did. I am sure you managed to come up with a great excuse, just one more charade to play. You seem to have become an expert on those anyway!"

He answers me and I flinch.

"Peter that isn't fair. You asked me to appear with you tonight and today. So I did. I have been here for all the events of today's program, like you asked me to."

I tell him and hear him laugh again.

"Touché you got me there Alicia."

He answers and stares hard at me. I can feel his gaze bore into my skull. And it makes me shiver.

"So I did as you asked and showed up to all of this. And we seemed fine until you suddenly got all weird and moody as I asked you about your reference in the speech. It was a normal question Peter. But you suddenly got all angry, yelling and ran off. What in the world was that about? It wasn't appropriate. Eli was horrified!"

I tell him, though a part of me already does know the answer to why, I just won't think about that one. I won't think because it means complications and I can't deal with those. Our arrangement was done to make everything simple for us.

He however let out another hoarse laugh.

"You know what it was about Alicia! Don't kid yourself!"

He stares at me and I meet his gaze. I keep holding it for a few seconds before lowering mine. I do know, I see the answer in his eyes, like I see the pain. But I don't know how to respond, until now I thought he was fine with this. After all he can do whatever the hell he wants. Shouldn't that make him happy, still having the perfect wife, but also every lover he wants as long as he keeps it under the wraps.

"What do you want me to say Peter. I showed up, I am here. I am not divorcing you, you still have the perfect image. You have it all, the image, the wife and every girl you can want as long as you keep it close at hand! What the hell more could you possible want?"

I ask angrily, as I look up again. I notice how his eyes change and he shakes his head.

"What I want? You don't get to ask me that! And it isn't like it matters at all. After all you don't give a damn what the hell I wish for or want and haven't in the last years! But no it isn't what I want at all. I haven't been with anyone except you since before the scandal since you're so curios."

He almost shouts at me and I flinch while backing up a little, taking in his words as well. _So there really is no one else in his life?_ The thought surprises me in a strangely pleasant way especially in the light of earlier tonight where I feared he was involved with someone, someone he was busy sending texts on our ride to the gala, someone he wished was there with him instead of me. But though it is pleasant it is even more scary. Scarier than the thought of him having someone else had been. The actual meaning in him having no one terrifies me to the gut, and that makes my next words come out harder than I had wished.

"Well you don't give a damn about me or what I feel, so why should I? You cheat and act like you expect all to be to what it once was. But you never really want to let me in and still keep me out of everything! Even though it comes back to bite us!"

I snap back at him, he probably doesn't deserve that one. But I never have been able to let him win in a fight. And the election fraud and how he had known is still worrying me a little if it will come back at some point. And he hadn't told me that one, I had to find out from Marilyn of all people.

"That goes both ways! You are and haven't let me in at all at any point since I went to jail. You act like it, but we both know that is a lie!"

He fires back and I glance away. He isn't wrong and he hit a nerve there.

"Well in that case what do you want Peter? Do you want a divorce? Because if that is it I can give you that. It will hurt us both and our careers, but if it is so terrible having to dance with me and act like we like each other, I can give you that easily so..."

I hiss at him, hating each word as I speak them. Because to me dancing in his arms resting against his chest had been anything but terrible. It had been awkward to start the evening but easier as each moment passed like we still are so in tune with each other, even now. And the dance had been everything but terrible to me, it had probably been the moment I felt the most relaxed and comforted in months.

"What I want I can't have! Don't you get it!"

He shouts and he seems almost desperate in that moment like he is fighting against himself. I stare at him confused, while my heart is suddenly beating wildly and the blood is thundering in my ears. A part of me wants to run from here the fastest I can. It would be the smartest and sane thing to do right? I mean I made my choice regarding him, us and our marriage for a reason. And I like decisions. And I stick to them when made. And yet I find myself stepping closer, and he turns from me. Like he isn't able to keep looking at me. And I feel a little lost standing there my hands hanging by my sides.

"Peter...!"

I whisper, hoping to get an answer, but he is shaking his head.

"I think you should go Alicia... I am sure you have some important thing in the morning probably needing to rush back to Chicago. And I am tired. Go to bed!"

He tells me, and his voice suddenly seems hard. I suddenly feel terrified _Have I just completely lost him forever?_ Because I am suddenly not so sure that whatever decision I made in anger, pain and need to be left alone was the right one. And that scares me just as much, as the loss of him do. So I keep standing there, feeling lost.

"What about me..."

The words slip out over my lips without intending to say them aloud after all it was just a sudden thought crossing my mind.

"I can't lie to you. I wish I could stop caring about what you do or where you go, but I can't. I wish I could because it seems to be what you do so well. I guess I should learn just to do the same, but for now I need to be alone."

He draws a short breath and I can almost hear my own heart thundering, dreading what it will mean if he leaves right now in this moment. Or what the result would be if I was to do as he said and leave his office, it is too unbearable, and I can't think about it. I won't!

"Peter... I..."

I mumble, at loss for words. And he nods his head and lets out a sigh.

"Apparently you won't leave me alone, and I can't make you leave the house as you are staying here tonight but that doesn't mean I have to stay within this office, with you."

As he turns and he doesn't glance in my direction nor gives me one single look as he moves to the doors harshly pulling them apart, where after he storms out. I move like in trance trying to follow him.

"Peter... please we need to talk about this. Please... I am sorry..."

I beg him as I stumble, kicking my heels off to easier run after him. He stops for a second and looks at me, his eyes ice cold.

"My dear, I don't give a damn."

I gasp but he shakes his head and turns back around continuing moving away from me. He starts climbing the long staircase and I just stay there watching him leave. I feel like I am about to choke because of the sudden pain in my throat. One that is growing with the sound of his feet dying away in the upper halls, just like the burn in my eyes. It is like nothing matters anymore.

A part of me knows that there is nothing that could be said or done right now which would work, and would appeal to him. I know, because I sense in him something strong and stubborn. And in that moment I wonder if I have ever understood him fully until this point. Have I ever truly understood either man I loved? And I now fear that means I have lost them both forever. If I had ever understood Peter fully and realized what he was feeling in all of this, thought of it twice, thought of us twice, I wouldn't have lost him, I know that now.

I feel empty, however I know that will soon give way to pain. I move to the stairs where I slide down collapsing, unable to move up and follow him though I wish to. The dress falling around me, the federal blue material making it seem almost water like, as I curl against the stairs. I want to go up but I fear how he would react to it, I fear the closed door to his bedroom. And I fear to hear words spoken, words that would break us even more.

I won't think of it now, I won't think of losing him now, I can't. I will break if I do. I should get up and go to bed so I can get some rest and think about it all tomorrow, I will find a way tomorrow. But I don't seem to be able to find the strength to get up and move so instead I stay curled up there on the stairs. While my mind isn't collaborating and instead of not thinking about it, it is what I do. I start to go over the whole night, once more.

* * *

_I stare at the mirror as I put on my earrings wondering yet again if this is right, if I chose the right dress for this. It shouldn't be so complicated. Should it? And I certainly shouldn't feel this awkward about it. After all I had agreed to stay with him and to not divorce, to keep up a public marriage. He just had made it more complicated with this insisting that I should stay in the mansion with him. Of course I did know it would look bad if we arrived apart and if I stayed on a hotel, he wasn't wrong there. But still we had arrived apart at events many times even while together again, last year's Shamrock Dinner one of those, and even after he became governor, so why change the rules now. _

_The first part of today hadn't been bad at all, the picnic with Grace and him had been fun, just like the time spend together, but it's tonight's gala that scares me. We would have to dance and hold hands, and I would be led around by him, and it would be more important how we acted than it had been in the afternoon. I sigh, and take a look more in the mirror, wondering briefly why I even care how I look. I chose to blame it on the image consultants always over me for one thing or another. All of which I hate, and I snapped at Eli more than once to make them stay away. _

_I hear the knock on the door to my bedroom and shout to hold a moment. While I check myself and my appearance once more. I am satisfied with the blue grown I have chosen. And I'm pretty sure no one can find anything to complain about with this outfit, neither the dress or my jewelry or hair. So I grab my purse and move to open the door. _

_He looks good, better than good actually, a tux has always suited him. He smiles at me tensely, though it also seems uncomfortable and I start to feel weird. The afternoon had been great but I am suddenly not so sure this will be the same but I hope it is just the nervous jitter in my stomach and it will all be fine in the end. I give him a tight smile probably coming out more fake than intended because of my nerves._

"_Are you ready to leave?" _

_He asks and I nod._

"_Yes just give me two minutes I need to put on my necklace." _

_I tell him and turn my back to go over and pick it up. Diamonds to match the earrings I have on, a set he gave me to my last birthday and I had figured suited the dress for tonight. I fumble with the lock, finding it hard to get open with the newly manicured nails I had done yesterday. And I can hear him sigh behind me. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to ask him for help but before I can find the answer, I feel his body heat as he steps up behind me reaching for the necklace._

"_Here, let me." _

_He tells me and I nod and bend my head a little so he can close the necklace. His fingers brush the skin of my neck and I tremble a little from the nervous butterflies suddenly having formed in my stomach. _

_He moves away as fast as he can. And I turn back around._

"_Thank you." _

_I mumble and look down and he sighs._

"_No problem, ready to go? Do you have a wrap or something? There is a chill in the air tonight." _

_He tells me and I briefly wonder if he is actually talking about the weather or us. I nod to the bed with the wrap and he takes it and hands it to me while I grab my purse. I am surprised and a bit sad when he doesn't hold out his arm for me and I'm instead left to myself as he moves to the door. However he stops and waits for me and we walk together downstairs and out to the limo. The driver holds the door open for us. Peter slips in behind me. He sits on the other side still careful not to touch me again, and I don't know why that bothers me but it does. None of us really speak on the ride there. I am checking my phone for emails, finding one from Eli yet another request on making me consider the thought of running for SA. Even though I said no and called him crazy he hasn't given up. And the funny thing is each day and week there passes I do consider the offer more and more. _

_I glance over at Peter, he is checking his phone as well and I wonder who he is answering. His bows have a light furrow in them and a sudden unpleasant thought of him writing to another woman one he wishes was here right now enters my mind. I push it away though, after all I did allow him to have all the women he wanted as long as I didn't know. Yet the thought of him having taken me up on that one bothers me far more than it should. _

_As we get there and he gets out he holds out his hand to me this time. Our fingers touch and I shiver again. It feels so weird and yet so familiar, so natural. I take the arm he offers me, and per instinct I lean a bit more into him than strictly needed. _

"_Are you okay?" _

_He whispers in my ear and I feel confused and glances at him._

"_Yes of course... why wouldn't I be?" _

_I tell him softly so no one else can hear us. _

"_I don't know you just looked a bit sick in the car and I wondered. If you are not feeling well you can go home." _

_He offers and I feel weird and stiffen a bit. I hadn't thought I had showed my sudden discomfort over my spinning mind, but clearly I had. And what was worse I wondered if he suddenly didn't want me here at all and that made me feel even weirder. And I wasn't quite sure I liked it at all._

"_No I am fine I was just a bit tired." _

_I tell him and he seems to accept it. Maybe it is the press maybe it is the uneasiness I am suddenly feeling and how amazing it feels to be close to him like this. As the press take the usually photos as he guides me up the steps to the building the gala is hosted in. I lean a bit closer to him, taking the comfort his warmth is offering me. _

_I smile at the press, like a habit, something I do without really paying attention to, just something I have done hundreds of times before in similar situations. I also start to feel a bit more relaxed as he takes the wrap from me the moment we enter, to put it in the wardrobe. As he returns to my side he offers me his arm yet again, I feel happy. I actually feel happy and at ease. I am pretty sure this will be as fun as the afternoon had been after all. And the nervousness and thought tension had all been for nothing. We are good at this even now, not together we are good, and being with him like this is like riding a bicycle._

_Our steps fall into the same pace as we circulate in the room so he can introduce me to people. I laugh and smile and look up at him once in awhile as he makes some joke or tells a story. Or if we talk to someone needing a lawyer and he tells them I am the best he can recommend, and I smile at him. Once I notice a hair on his shoulder I brushes off like an old habit, just as everything else is. Just it is easier than I could ever have imagined. It isn't because it is expected, well it probably is and I am sure Eli is somewhere making a journalist snap a picture each time we exchanges smiles. But it feels like an old habit not something done out of need. Just like the light kiss I press to his cheek is honest, and I have reached up to do so before even thinking of it as he brings me a glass of red instead of the by then warm white champagne I had been drinking while circulating. _

_I have reached in to give him the kiss before I even considers what I am doing. And I only realize after as I see the weird look in his eyes. My own slip up I brush off as that I have instinctively thought it would look good to the press. To show how much we are still in love and crush any possible rumor there might be going around about us and our situation. Even though it isn't true I pass it on as my own way of securing that. Though I wonder briefly how much I am actually pretending right now. However I quickly stop my brain from going there. We have an agreement and we are friends and co-parents and we benefit each other professionally so it is all just that and old habits. _

* * *

Now sitting here on the steps I wonder if that was where I went wrong. When I told myself it all meant nothing that it was old habits, familiarity nothing else. But maybe in hindsight it wasn't just that. It clearly wasn't why it had felt so good and easy. And I really had enjoyed being like that around him, it had been forever since it last was like that for us. And though I could make excuses for it, I had probably just lost him forever because of the same excuses. The thought alone makes one single tear slip down my cheek one I quickly brush away. Not even wanting to give into tears sitting here alone on the grand-stairs in the dark.

* * *

**Peter's part**

* * *

I curse as I slam the door to the bedroom. Immediately I want to go back downstairs and tell her I didn't mean it. That I am sorry for how I never seem to be able to get out what I want to communicate to her. Tell her she means the world to me, that I am only reacting this way because I love her and it is tearing me apart doing this fake marriage all on her premise. I don't want her for my pretended wife I want her for real. I want to wake up with her in my arms, and I want to fall asleep at night with her cuddled into the nook of my neck. What I don't want is this! Which is why I can't go back down there. Why I can't back down and give in this time. The coldness, the lack of care, the pretend, the fake smiles, it is all too much. I have never wanted my parents marriage, and I still don't, yet I have ended up in one just like it, from the looks. I want to end it, to get it over with, but it is painful to even think about. To think of losing her forever, though I am pretty sure that is what has happened already just without my accepting it.

I know I will need to put an end to it sooner or later for real, after all tonight showed me just how little I can continue this. I had actually looked forward to today, to spending time together with her in a more relaxed atmosphere. I had been right to do so the picnic in the afternoon had been fun and lighthearted lots of laughter and smiles shared between us, smiles that seemed real at the time but I am even doubting now. It wasn't until the night it all turned wrong. I hadn't ever dreamed about that tonight would be so hard. How could I?

I had never imagined she would cuddle up to me, and stay by my side, lean into me, smile at me. She had really in many ways missed her call as a perfect actress, as she clearly knew how to play the role of the loving and caring wife doting on my every word to an A. I am not a fool I know in the past she had been just that, and I screwed us up there, funny thing is I don't want that anymore. I want her like she is now, strong, powerful and independent. So it is years ago she has adapted into that role and yet tonight she had done it again. Everyone eating into the charade and her show. And I have never hated it more.

I strip off my clothes needing a shower to cool off and hopefully not think of it. But not even the cold water splashing down my back seems to help. As I let myself fall down on the bed after, I can't stop my thoughts from drifting. From going over the events of the night, or particular one event. The one that broke the dam and made the water flow over. Or rather my frustration flow over.

* * *

_I step on the stage the lights blinding me for a short second before I manage to focus. I lock eyes with her for a short moment in the crowd, sitting there at the table and smiling up at me. She looks amazing tonight, like a princess, in her blue designer grown, and the jewelry I gave her not so long ago but while we were still in a better place. Her hair is up in some elegant and gracious looking twist. _

_She had shocked me earlier with the kiss on the cheek, and the looks and smiles. That was until I noticed the flash of a camera, and realized of course she had given them that picture. Given them the image of the perfect couple: the governor and his always faithful smiling wife in love. The smiles and brushes and kiss it had all just been her acting to the journalists, all lies, and I hated it. _

_I hated it because it felt so real and true, but it wasn't. It was all just an illusion. After all we are not together anymore and she doesn't want me. She probably really hates to be here and wishes she is back in Chicago celebrating with that ASA guy. _

_I focus on my flashcards instead for the speech I am about to give. They had called a few weeks back and asked if I would be interested in being the one to hold it. Of course I accepted it was expected to happen yet a great honor._

_I clear my voice and starts to speak. As I talk about the independence and how it always comes at a much to high cost my eyes meets Alicia. _

"_Sometimes we send soldiers to war and they give their lives for the cause, to bring independence to the people like our own ancestors did trying to free us from England, trying to make us our own proud nation, one nation united under God. It is a war that though it happened hundreds of years ago is still fresh on our minds, because it is one that started the journey on making us the country we are today. _

_Today we are not fighting for our own country's independence any longer, but around the world we are fighting for other country's freedom and right to be independent and not suppressed under any regime, fighting for democracy and equal rights like we have. We are still in a continuing war against terrorism. And lately also the troubles with Russia and Ukraine __are__ on our minds. Countries in Africa and the east that don't recognize or respect the values we stand for. Values we once fought to be able to archive for our own nation. Values we have send our sons and daughters to war in Iraq or Afghanistan and many other places to defend. We still send them to war to fight and give their lives to causes __leaders in our nation find right__. And the families and __us__ can only hope, they don't die in vain. But that their death helped build a bridge to a better future for some people, that they died knowing their fight mattered, that it __might have __helped some people. We might not be able to see that it matters at first or for years __to come__, but dying a noble death defending and fighting for what mattered to them like our soldiers those that died nearly two hundred years ago __and those that give their lives today,__ that is something we __shall__ remember them for. If not by name then by deed, and that is important to think of then we cope with the loss of our sons sent to war. _

_Freedom is hard to archive and we see it now in Iraq and Afghanistan,__ some__thought we __brought them freedom but with that followed other complications. _

_Freedom is never meant to be easy and it doesn't always bring the expected result and certainly never the expected happiness. But it is still freedom and it is a value that lies deep in us as a wish to achieve __and bring to others__. _

_I__t is the price to achieve it that we might some time not see before it has been paid and then we wonder if the cost was too high and really what we wished for. _

_That is what we feel now after our sons and daughters died in wars, we see the price and wish it wasn't so and wonder if it was right. It was also likely what our own ancestors thought after their sons and brothers and fathers died in our war for __independence__ from England, __even if it was a war for ourselves, the price was still high and painful, and some probably wondered if it was worth it...__"_

_My glance meets Alicia's one or two times through the speech as I wasn't sure it worked or not and I had missed having her to discuss it with beforehand. _

_Much later on we were dancing. I asked her to dance to open the floor, noticing no one seemed to dance before we did, something Eli had come over to point out. So here I am dancing with her in my arms with a fitting distance between us, at least until she leans a bit closer. Her eyes closing as she leans against my chest her head finding my shoulder. I can feel her soft breathing, and it is suddenly too much how close she is. Why would she do this? The kiss was more than enough. To now turn the dance into an even bigger charade is horrible. And yet there is nothing I want to do more than sway softly here on the floor with her in my arms. But I know it doesn't mean the same to her as it does to me. I wonder if it ever did at any point of the last five years._

"_I liked the speech!" _

_She suddenly voices, and I stiffen both because of the compliment and because the feel of her breath on the tender skin of my neck. I sigh and try to relax a bit so I can thank her._

"_Thank you, I am glad. I wasn't completely sure on it, and Eli wasn't the biggest fan." _

_I answer her trying to crack a joke, hoping to ease the tension away with humor. Hoping my joke will make her pull back just a little to laugh. Having her this close is becoming too much especially as I can feel her nod her head before it finds the nook of my shoulder again._

"_No it was good."_

_She breaths softly against my neck, and my skin prickles, and tingles from the warmth. Yet I can't take it. I want her like this I really do but to think about that she is only acting like this because of the people around us and the press is horrible it makes me hate it 10 times more than I really do, because it does feel great having her in my arms, but the lie takes all the pleasure away and I stiffen. Her hot breath against my skin teasing it is too much. It is the last drop that makes the water flow over. Why is she even this close? Why can't we just dance in respectable distance, but no she has to cuddle up to me, having us dance cheek to cheek. My flinching and freezing must not have gone unnoticed as she suddenly pulls back a little and looking up to meet my eyes. _

"_Peter? Are you okay?"_

_I freeze again for a second before continuing to dance. I really don't want to have that conversation with her right now, I just know it will end badly. It is hard enough pretending to be okay with it while having her close. But being confronted with how I feel head on in a moment of weakness, I already know it will end badly._

"_It's nothing!" _

_I brush her off, but it comes out harder than I intended, not surprisingly yet to her it is a shock. One I read in her eyes._

"_Peter!" _

_She whispers, and I shake my head._

"_Just leave it Alicia and let's dance. No actually I think the song is over and I need a drink." _

_I stop moving and let go of her. She clearly looks confused but I turn away not wanting to talk to her right now as it will go wrong. I can feel it bubbling in me. I am trying here, trying to do the right thing and not pick a fight with her like last time. I hadn't thought she would confront me on my mood here and now, but at least left it for later, but it seems that I have underestimated her on that front. _

_I turn and move away from her in the direction of the bar, but her hand catches my arm._

"_Peter..." _

_She presses and I turn back to her._

"_What Alicia?" _

_I snap and make her flinch back._

"_Peter what's the matter? I was just asking about your speech and if you are okay, and you are suddenly angry? What is going on?" _

_She presses on and I stare at her, anger bubbling in me._

"_What's going on is you! You and your stupid little charade, your kisses, your smiles and you leaning into me now like it matters, slow dancing all cuddled up against me! It is all just a game to you Alicia. And I am the stupid fool because I play it with you. But I am sick and tired of your stupid game. I hate it! Every smile and dance and kiss I hate! Because it is all just a part of your pretend!" _

_I shout at her, and I notice some other couples have stopped dancing and are staring at us._

"_Peter!" _

_She says her voice raising and I can see she is getting upset._

"_No, Alicia. I am sick of this. This makes me sick!" _

_I tell her and suddenly I can't stand to be in this room, if I stay I will say more stuff I regret, stuff I don't mean. After all I never mean it when I shout at her, and I hate to see the pained look in her eyes or the anger and hurt. The look that is now all over her face and I want to turn back time but that is impossible. Instead I turn around and leave. I can hear her calling behind me clearly following me outside but I don't turn around just take the first limo there is. I notice her stand there on the steps out of the window in the back as I drive away. And I sigh, and fight to not telling the driver to go back so I can talk to her. _

* * *

I roll over trying to get rid of the image of her in my mind. But it is easier said than done. Each time I close my eyes I see her, and if I don't see her standing on those stairs as I drive away I see her standing in my office earlier asking me what is going on. Her confused and hurt eyes, at least I have thought they might be filled with pain. But I have no idea if it is the truth or something I am trying to make myself believe. After all do we ever know when it is the truth or not, I certainly never do with Alicia. After all I thought we were better again, I thought we were together again, I thought she had if not forgotten the past forgiven me for it. I thought I had forgiven myself for it. And I thought I had gotten past her and Will or at least accepted it, after all she had been with me again and wanted to be. Yet it had all fallen apart and now we are nothing but a facade, an illusion. And it made me consider if everything said and done before that had been nothing but illusion as well.

I keep tossing and turning for the rest of the night, her image clear in my mind, wondering if she went to sleep. If she left and went back to Chicago. It wouldn't surprise me. Or if she someway somehow is hurting like I am, though I doubt it.

However still unable to sleep at 5.30 am I get up wanting to go to my office to at least work a little. Looking at the small office in the private apartment, I find that I am missing some papers so I move downstairs to official one, where I know the papers I need are. What I don't expect is to find Alicia, sitting at the foot of the stairs still dressed in her gala clothes. I am not completely sure if she is asleep or not. I fear going down will mean yet another fight yet I am drawn to her and walk the last steps and takes a seat beside her.

She moves to face me and I can see the dark stains on her face indicating her tears. I sigh and hold up an arm placing it carefully around her shoulder and pulling her against me. I hope she will accept the comfort I am offering. She does and leans into me burying her face in my shirt.

"I am sorry Alicia."

I whisper but she shakes her head.

"No... I am... I am so sorry for everything."

She mumbles, and I pull her a bit tighter into me, while letting out a deep sigh. I might be sorry and she might be as well, but it doesn't change anything. It doesn't mean the issues aren't issues any longer. They are still there. Even now holding her like this is torture.

"I can't do this anymore, Alicia. I can't go on in this charade with you. Not because I don't love you, but because I do."

I tell her softly and feel her nod her head slowly.

"I know... I am sorry I asked you to do it. It wasn't fair to you, or me... it wasn't fair to anyone... I shouldn't have asked that... I thought... no it doesn't matter what I thought, I know now I was wrong..."

She whispers and I nod slowly not completely sure what she is actually saying. But the thought that we are sitting here actually agreeing to split for good is making a lump in my throat beginning to form. I know I can't go on playing the game with her, but losing her forever is still terrifying.

She pulls back from me a little and I meet her gaze. Her eyes are reddish maybe from the lack of sleep or from tears, likely both.

"What do we do now?"

She asks softly and I sigh and look ahead unable to hold her gaze as I say what I am about to.

"I guess you go back to Chicago and get a lawyer and we start filing the papers. It doesn't have to be so messy. We will announce, we are splitting and we prefer to keep it private and we are both agreeing, it is mutual and we ask the press to respect that."

I tell her with a sigh. It is the only solution I see as possible right now. I hear her sharp intake of breath and almost pained sigh. I don't dare to look at her and keep looking ahead, staring at some painting in the hallway.

"Is that what you really want?"

She finally asks, and I sigh and glance over at her, unable not to any longer.

"I already told you what I want I can't have."

I mumble looking at her tenderly. It is hard to imagine letting her go forever, to imagine never again sitting like this with her, kissing her or holding her. That it won't be my job any more to help her and be there. Not that it has been lately but still this will be so much more finalized.

She stares at me her eyes confused and sad. Until she looks away for a few seconds before looking back at me.

"What do you want Peter?"

She whispers and I shake my head and look down.

"You already know that Alicia. No need to repeat it."

I answer her. I hear her take a deep breath.

"I need you to say it... Please."

She asks gently. And I stare at the painting the one I noticed earlier. I don't really like it and need to look into if I am allowed to have it removed or replaced, but it is a focus point; one that isn't her mossy green eyes.

"Why, it doesn't matter if I say it or not. We both already know what it is. And that it is one-sided but that doesn't mean I can keep playing charade with you. I can't, not anymore."

I tell her my voice harder than I want but I fear it would break otherwise.

"Please Peter..."

She begs me and I finally turn to face her and lock my eyes with her.

"I want you, Alicia, as my wife. For real, no more pretending."

She snaps after her breath and she looks surprised like she really didn't know. Which I know of course isn't true.

She looks away for a few seconds and I sigh, and look away again as well until I feel her reach out to place a hand on my thigh. I look down at her fingers, long, slender and elegant, just like her frame.

"What if you could..."

She asks softly suddenly and I glance at her now my turn at being confused.

"What do you mean?"

I ask and she sighs.

"What if you could have me... would you still prefer we got lawyers, and divorced?"

She asks her voice soft and clearly nervous. And I look at her suddenly grasping the hand she placed on my thigh as I look right at her.

"I am not talking about this public image, Alicia. I am talking about every day, every night. And the way we were before, we were sort of together but not living together again, and you had all the power of deciding how much we saw each other... I want it real Alicia. I mean you, as my actual wife."

I explain holding her hand and squeezing her fingers lightly.

"I know what you mean Peter. And what if it was an option?"

She asks again, looking right at me while I lean closer to her.

"Alicia..."

I sigh before continuing.

"You know I would chose you in a second. But do you mean it? I know you are scared. I know you have been in pain and I get it. I regret how I handled your pain. I didn't want to hurt you even more, I hoped you would snap out of your pain but it was wrong and I handled it badly. But I can't live in a marriage with you if you keep wondering if your life would have been better with Will. If you keep comparing, and wishing it was him alive"

I explain and she nods softly.

"It wouldn't be... I don't wish he was alive instead of you. I wish he was still alive, yes, but not instead of you. I am sorry for what I said in that fight as well. I was hurting and I wanted to get rid of the pain thinking hurting others would somehow make it more fair. Hurting you would make it more fair. It didn't. I know how hard this has been for you with the public marriage and nothing else, at least I do now, and I am sorry for that. I am also sorry for tonight. I know you think I was playing for the press and guests there, but I wasn't. I did enjoy today and tonight until our fight. I tried to tell myself, it was all just a charade and play for the press, but it isn't true. I really did enjoy being there with you, and dancing and laughing and smiling with you. I enjoyed it a lot."

She admits softly and looks down almost shyly. I lift her face up again so I can see her eyes. I caress her cheek softly, and looking at her I can see the heaviness in her eyes now. She is beautiful but clearly also exhausted. So I just caress her cheek for a few seconds more before pulling her close again, and letting her rest her head against me once more.

I want to say a lot of things. I want to ask her about how we will live, and how we will make this work if she is honestly agreeing to do be us again. I am still not sure if she really has agreed, and that scares me. Mostly though of all the things still needed to be said I want to tell her and promise it will be better this time that I will never hurt her again if she finally allows me fully in again.

"Alicia?"

I ask her softly and feel her nod.

"Mmmnnn..."

She answers. I wonder if she is falling asleep or just relaxed. Her head resting against me and deep breathing make me think that the fatigue is finally catching up with her.

I know she must be uncomfortable having been sitting here on the stairs all night, and her neck will be in pain if she falls asleep here again.

"Alicia you should get to bed..."

I whisper as I place a featherlight kiss on the crown of her hair, and she lets out a low whimper like moan.

"Can we sit here a bit longer?"

She answers. Her voice thick and I know before long she won't be able to walk to bed herself and I will likely end up carrying her that is if she lets me, yet I can't deny her this request.

"Of course Babe. As you wish."

I answer her. I bite the other words, I want us to speak and voice my promises and requests, she is too tired now. There will be enough time for those later. Time to fill out the blanks and agree to talk out the details. To hopefully talk about all the things that still linger between us, the remains that are like scary ghosts needing to be dealt somehow for this to not actually just be another round that leaves us both broken and apart in the end. For now this is enough. For now sitting here with her relaxed is all and more than I could have wished for.

* * *

_There you have it my try at writing a 4__th__ of July event for these two, and have them end in a slightly better place. I hope you liked it!_

_Also as a side note Peter's last words is a reference to the movie The Princess Bride, where the male hero has this line as his line of telling the princess and female lead "I Love You!" _

_And the end of the first scene of Alicia's pov is much inspired by Gone With The Wind! _


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